Once again I've been lagging in terms of what I actually should be doing and screwing things up as usual but for some odd reason I'm slightly more positive about it(no matter how bad that sounds).Anyway as time has gone on I've realized that some things just irk me to no end so today is my official rant day.I haven't one of these in a long time but I think it's high time for it so here it goes...

( servant woman!bring me a drying cloth at once! )

Ok,so you know how my past couple of entries have been one huge emo fest...well after an hour long talk with my dad the burden that's been weighing heavy on my heart/shoulders/head/whatever is pretty much gone.I'm done worrying about things in the future..school,jobs...all of that crap...worrying and driving myself insane isn't going to get me closer to my goals which I actually want to make happen I don't want to keep just talking about it forever...I WANT IT TO HAPPEN!I need to focus on what I'm doing now and then those other things will fall into place on their own.I need to do something otherwise I'll just be stagnant as people just keep passing me by and I don't what that to happen I'm too good for that!(slightly conceited,I know).So school...I have no idea what I want to really major in,or where I want to go for that matter but I need to focus on these two years of JC so my grades won't be too horrible and then I can move on.Driving,I'm going back to the DMV and hopefully this time I'll pass that fucking test,and if not I'll just keep practicing driving and then go back in 6 months('cause that's when I can go back without being turned away).Art,I'm going to finally finally get this comic of mine published!I'm aiming for tokyopop but if they don't take it(it will be their loss!)I'll just publish it myself!As you can see my attitude is much better than it has been and although just saying these things won't change things they help motivate me into action just like my other goals.Things are looking up a bit now.

So it's been pretty hectic this past week...what with the death of my uncle(oh this is just wonderful),and the fact that I feel like total shit,and to top off the whole misery laden sundae I am currently getting an F in one of my classes.Oh Joy.I hate to care so much,and I hate even more to gripe,bitch,moan,or complain about it but I'm a little disappointed...not to mention a little pissed off.Ok,I will admit that granted I'm not trying nearly as hard as I could be in that class...or any of them for that matter but seriously this is just a tiny bit disconcerting.I know my past couple of entries haven been one huge emo fest but honestly the school situation is rank with it.I'm not really motivated to try hard in any of these classes just because it's not something I REALLY want to do,and once I figure out what to do next I am outta there!But I suppose I should just suck it up,stop being such a whiney little emo person,and just try to do better from here on out.Which I fully intend to do...otherwise this will all just be one stinkin' waste of my time.Speaking of wastes of time...must study so I can finally pass permit test...I hate it so much right now.But on a good note I have officially resurrected my old shonen manga and this time it's going to be better than ever(and in color!).Anyway I'm done for now...hopefully the next time I write things will be looking up.

So yesterday was my birthday and today was the day I got 2 of my 4 wisdom teeth yanked out of my skull.Really,I make it sound way worse than it actually was because I do that with everything.But the novacaine(or however the hell you spell it)wore off not too long ago and I'm pretty sure in a bit that I'm going to take as much motrin as I possibly can.It was a bizarre experience to see things that were previously in my head on a tray but at the same time funny.My doctor is a pretty cool guy and his assistants are all very nice(they let me listen to my ipod while they worked on my mouth).Undoubtedly the worse part was the huge needle in my gum and the fact that I sounded slightly dumb afterwards due to the fact that I had two huge pieces of gauze in my mouth and had no feeling in my lips,tongue,or chin.I was only in there for 30 minutes-45 at the most and now I'm just in a small bit of discomfort..it's weird to talk/swallow when there are stitches in your mouth.That aside the day before today was my 19th birthday so I celebrated with my parents at a nice Italian restaurant and I got hell of phone calls from people,and got a cool bleach art book from my parents..I love Tite Kubo's work way too much for my own good *___* and I also have a load of new albums to listen to(I wanted to treat myself to some new music).Anyway I think I'm going to stop typing now 'cause I want to see a movie to take my mind off the pain(that and I'm really tired)so I'll type more later.

You know those days that you just feel out of sorts?off balance for no real reason and you just feel like the whole world hates your existence and would probably kill you if it could?Well,yeah that's how I feel today.Posting in a journal that I haven't updated for a couple weeks with such a somber entry should be illegal but I really don't give a damn.Nothing has worked out like I thought it would,and I DO know that sitting here feeling depressed/pissed off/sorry for myself isn't doing me any good and it certainly isn't getting me closer to my goals that seem close to impossible to EVER happen but I can't help it.Maybe it's this time of year that's got me down but I have no idea...I just was sitting here and then all of a sudden I was hit by this bad feeling.School is a bust,I have no idea what I really want to do job-wise or where I want to go as far as school goes.I don't even have my freakin' permit and the prospect of a significant other any time soon looks horrendously bleak...I know I've felt this way before...back in 9th grade I was all alone with really no friends at all and I wished I would find a good friend...well I did get that eventually even though I had to wait a bit,and I'm sure that's the same with these seemingly dire situations but these seem even more insurmountable to me than the situation back in 9th grade.I know that just complaining isn't helping me,and instead of ranting about how it won't happen I should go out and try to make it happen but that's much harder that it seems at this point.I probably haven't tried hard enough even with the somewhat limited resources I have..why is it so much harder for me to do these simple things than others?I know people struggle with school and stuff too but honestly I didn't think it would have to be this hard to figure things out.Maybe I'm just being naive.I'm not motivated because I don't know my goal other than go to school,get my license,get a job,and get a house(the usual),but these things seem so uncertain(well obviously).Maybe I'm just being emo again(which seems to happen to me more often these days).But my drive is not there I'm so damn depressed about it,and my routine of doing online classes is killing my ego with the biggest serrated knife it can find.Excuse as I go to seethe in the dark....I'm sorry for my random bitching out of nowhere but I felt like I needed to say it somehow.

I haven't posted in a long time...just nothing has been going on lately at least nothing worth mentioning.I got to see the inauguration though...online,because I was too lazy to get up to actually watch it when it was happening(my bad).I've kinda dropped out of the whole Gintama fandom but I think I'm going to try to get back on track(same thing goes for Heroes)but I finished two Korean dramas this past week that go by the names of Coffee Prince and My Lovely Sam Soon.Both were insanely good so it's kind of hard for me to choose my favorite because I loved them both!As for my icon com I've been severely neglecting the place due to the fact that my latest addition to my manga work list has kind of taken all my time,and it's so damn fun to work on that I kinda got distracted from icon making...I'm really considering whether or not I should get another mod or something to help me out or maybe someone else who could post icons along side me..I don't know at this point...everything is very much up in the air.I'm not even too sure if I'm going to keep iconing mainly due to the fact that I don't think I'm too good at it and also because the people who actually comment on my work is a small few.But maybe if I stick with it I'll get better and that will grab people's attention(kinda like what I did on my comic).Anyway I'm done for now.

It's amazing how fast time goes by...It seems like last year just flew by...it feels like a dream sometimes.Last year was pretty kick ass and even though some bad thing happened too it still doesn't take away from the awesome stuff that happened either.2008 was an interesting year..filled with new things,and some unexpected things as well,and I wouldn't trade in any of the good things that happened last year for anything.So what's up for this new year?I have no idea since it's only the first day but I intend to push myself to reach my goals whatever they may be!I want to work hard and finish some things once and for all,and finally finish Blue Suzuki(it's 2 or 3 years in the making now).I pray to get better about some things,and well that's about it.Also for all the yaoi fans I suggest you try out Junjou Romantica.Yes,it's unrealistic,yes it's cliche',and yes the ukes cry at the drop of a hat but it's very funny and if it got someone like me hooked I suggest it for anyone else(now they just need to sub the 10th episode!!)

So a lot of crap has been going down...everything from flesh wounds to stolen wallets to me trying to get away from angry mobs of shoppers in sears yesterday.Anyway everything is ok now..I've done what I was supposed to do..mostly(please don't ask about school or my permit because both will depress me deeply).Anyway I have a shiny new ipod touch and some new clothes so I'm good :D anyway not a whole lot to say.I'll post something later probably..I guess?

So I think I may have died a little from the awesomeness that was the Dir en Grey concert tonight!I'm really tired,my feet ache,my ears ring,and I can hardly speak but I came out relatively unharmed considering the heavy duty moshing that took place in the middle of the floor.So let me just start by saying that I hardly remember certain things because I'm still in awe from everything(I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE THEM LIVE!!!)as you can tell I'm still very pumped up from everything,and this is definitely one of the hi-lights of the year for me.Anyway I was kinda late for getting there and I was really surprised to see so many people there!the line was wrapped around the block but a friend saved a spot for me so it was cool.The group of people was incredibly varied which I thought was pretty interesting but not too surprising to me...anyway the first act kind of pissed me off because in my opinion they played too long,and they made my ears hurt(to the point of bleeding)but when Kyo and the band came out I became the rabid fangirl I know myself to be..I went insane and so did everyone else for the rest of the show.I can't remember most of what they played because people were screaming so loud that I couldn't hear what they were playing but they did open with sa bir followed by obscure which got people moshing and thrashing like crazy fanboys,and fangirls(and aggitated screams of maggots almost caused a riot).They also played inconvenient ideal,dozing green,spilled milk,merciless cult,and glass skin and I was so happy to hear everything..I wish it didn't have to end(I forgot what they played for the encore).I was surprised they played so much of their old stuff but I wasn't complaining especially because kyo kind of had me captivated..he had this look on his face that kind of drew me in,and freaked me out at the same time.But he was beautiful in an odd way...he did some cool stuff with his arms during some of the songs,and he did a little work with some stomach which made me scream...oh man die was really into it he was headbanging a lot..he was so hot..and they must've had a fan over where he was because his hair kept blowing around...man I love him a lot.Toshiya was actually pretty hot...some of his hair grew back on the side where it was shaved and he was really getting into it(he was whipping his head around,and my gosh..he was actually pretty hot..he got to the front of the stage and riled the crowd up..me included).I didn't see Shinya at all(obviously)and from what I saw of Kaoru he was pretty subdued but he's still great.But Kyo blew my mind....he was awesome..I cannot possibly put into words how good he was..he even got off the mic for a mintue and just let loose!I'm kinda sad that I couldn't buy anything though but oh well there was no time,and I'm really tired now,and most likely I'll have to go to school tomorrow(I have to turn in a research proposal).By the way I had a good nice low key Thanksgiving,and the past few days have been great!time with my aunt,lots of great movies on!(there were so many!),and it's just been great.Anyway I'm done now...I'll remember more of this tomorrow.

This is really old news by now but the concert has been moved to a different location(a decidedly better location by the looks of it).I'm just glad my ticket will still be accepted over there but I'm surprised that it was changed so late in the game...not to mention the fact that this new place looks so...well,nice(?).Anyway I'm off this week for obvious reasons,I emailed my paper to my teacher(I skipped out today...I was up too late).Also my icon com is steadily growing in terms of posts...now that I can finally make icons and color manga scans fairly well it's making things a lot more enjoyable...I have no idea why I find it so much fun,and addicting but for some odd reason I'm hooked.But I need to take a break from it now because I desperately need to work on my manga so I'm done for now.

Since LJ is gonna be down tomorrow(which makes me way sadder than it should,seriously)I just wanted to say that the DeG concert is getting closer,and I already got my ticket in the mail last tuesday!!!I'm horrendously excited!!and what's even better that I finished my 5 page synthesis paper even though I missed class(and in class essay)due to benadryl and me oversleeping but it's ok...I think.Anyway I've been making icons like a mad person because it's horribly addictive not to mention the fact that I finally realized how to make screenshots(it only took what?months?).Anyway see you soon.

The past week has been interesting to say the very least(Obama,my friend turning 18,school,my ipod beginning to die)but on wednesday I began my own icon community which can be found here hedfuc_icons.Go there,take a look around,comment if you feel so inclined,and yes this was a very shameless pimp/plug.Other than that I can't think of anything else to say...not much has happened although I do think that I might be missing out on doing some homework...but my ticket to the Dir en Grey concert should be coming hopefully on Tuesday.Yeah,it's still diru mania...everyone is going crazy,and I've joined the crazed and rabid masses..or at least I will be joining on Nov 30th.(Btw I made the icon I'm using,oh yeah).

OBAMA IS THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!THE CELEBRATION STARTS NOW!!!!!!

What?No,nothing like that.What I mean is right when we thought everything was going to suck due to the fact that the line for voting was insanely long we managed to get in and I VOTED FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!AND HELLZ YES I VOTED FOR OBAMA!!!This past weekend has been crazy,and I feel like I barely got a break but I earned some resolve to go back to the dmv and this time I aim to kill(no,not actually unless someone pisses me off)I aim to get at least my freakin' permit!that was I can drive and get more experience(which I SERIOUSLY need).By the way album leak!album leak!album leak!!I've already listened to Uroboros and it is AWESOME!!and girugamesh's new album is pretty awesome too!(kinda techno).All in all it's been a good weekend I get an extra hour of sleep and Dir en Grey's concert is this month too!I'm looking forward to it(thanksgiving PLANS are being discussed already...looks like I'm on side dish and pie duty...oh,what fun).Hopefully it won't rain tomorrow..or at least while I'm commuting(yeah,it's been raining most of the weekend),and I plan to stay(I mean actually go to school..well,mostly I'll probably end up running the minute math starts...by the way orthodontia,if that is how you spell it...I hate it.I'm going back to get that bracket in the back and with these braces already sawing into my lip I will not be a happy camper...look for me on the evening news the headline will be something like this "DISGRUNTLED TEENAGER MAIMS DENTIST" something like that...not really.

I ran away from school yesterday..it had to be done(I was on the phone with my friend when it happened).After that whole me getting pissed off to the point where I shredded my failed test,feeling like snapping the necks of the group of stupid girls+2 guys sitting behind me,throwing a desk at the teacher,and me ultimately decided to be a little emo person and run to the bus stop but not before scowling at everyone else around me-I had to do it.My math class must be from at least the 7th layer of hell because that's how I feel everytime I walk in there.At first it wasn't so bad but not it's just one big cest pool of stress coupled with the most ignorant and annoying people I've ever met(minus a small few)sprinkled with quite possibly the worst teacher I've ever had.Ok,I admit that I'm horribly and despicably bias because I absolutely loathe math with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns but that doesn't take away from the fact that the class is somehow moving too quickly for me to get a good enough grasp on the material(and I really should considering I've taken it all before and even then I was still struggling with it).I am seriously considering dropping the class but that means I have to look for another class and it's already nearing the end of the first semester and getting into another class this late is highly unlikely and I hate myself and I wish math would die(if only it could).Tomorrow I have school(taking the bus...I NEED A DAMN LICENSE BUT I HAVE TO TAKE THE TAXI THERE AND I HATE THE DMV AND UGH I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!)and that means math which means I'm going to run in turn in my homework and run away(again)because if I stay it will result in me killing someone or killing myself(so no).Anyway my useless complaining aside it's basically been Dir en Grey madness lately..they've even been on the radio over here with new songs!Red Soil is awesome and it made me even more excited for the new album!not to mention the concert is coming up soon and that should be awesome!also Mirotic by DBSK=possibly the hottest thing I've ever seen.Still following my manga although I have to be honest that kuroshitsuji has taken over my mind and that all of the other series(even GINTAMA and I'm talking about the anime here)have been lagging not to mention too dull to grab my attention.The election is next tuesday(I get to vote!!OBAMA OR BUST!!)I have another plot for manga that I have been trying to execute..I still have yet to update Blue S(again)and the other one is on the verge of death...when it comes to those other books I was supposed to be reading...uh,can you say no time?not to mention I made an icon journal...which means even more distractions and even more of a reason to make icons(I feel so lame sometimes D8).Anyway I'm done(shut up I've done nothing wrong!).

Hm,well I didn't end up going to school today..too dark,too cold,too tired,didn't feel like taking the bus(I NEED A LICENSE!!!)I ended up emailing my paper to my teacher,emailing a classmate her work and then texting a friend my whereabouts and my reason for not showing up although I'm not too sure whether she texted me yesterday or today(damn me for deleting all my text messages before I could check again but at least my message could be taken like it was meant for yesterday).Once again I postponed my dmv appointment to november...and next week on halloween I get that bracket back in(oh what joy).The bad stuff aside I have a headache,things are going well otherwise..I plan to make pumpkin pancakes soon,and I think Kuroshitsuji is slowly taking over my mind...as for other manga well they're all lagging..even Gintama!!who would've thought!?!..maybe because I've been living off the RAWS but for some reason it's starting to become a chore to watch it...but anyway I'm slowly working through Heroes....very good stuff,the writing is good and very complex I can't wait for the next DVD!Also new stuff from Gazette and Dir en Grey next month!I can't wait for Leech!the PV is awesome and I've heard at least one new song off Diru's new album and that was Red Soil....my gosh that song is so awesome I can hardly put it into words how excited I was to hear that but yeah anyway I'm gonna go now 'cause my head hurts so I'll write again soon.

That's a good question...I've been busy with college..ie writing papers.I have another due next monday but at least we have a day off next wednesday other than that I've been dodging going to the DMV because I have to take a taxi and I haven't studied but it will happen and I hope this time I can get my permit so I can start driving again so I can get ready for a license 'cause I desperately need one!the bus is killing me(as well as the taxi..especially the taxi).I'm done griping now.Anyway on to more interesting things I've met some pretty nice people at where I'm going,and I have to say I'm enjoying my time there more than I thought I would.I saw the setlist for the concert coming up in November,and the tracklist for the new Diru album(it is going to be epicly awesome!).I have to catch back up on Gintama,have to finish the first season of Get Backers,and Heroes,and Nujabes came out with a new album(which I just downloaded the other day..I have yet to give a real opinion about it though).In other news I've been trying out new bands,and I have to say I like what I hear...does anyone have any suggestions of a band I should try out next?My taste is horribly varied but I do tend to sway to the indie,and alternative music more often than not.Anyway in other news I need to start back on my other manga but Blue Suzuki is going smoothly again and speaking of manga I am now obsessed with Black Butler(what beautiful art!)and D.Gray-Man!(I love Tyki with a passion!<3).Anyway the dead line for voter registration is quickly approaching and so I have to send off my form today,and next week I have to go get a bracket put on my back teeth again(which I hate because it f****** hurt last time)anyway I'll be around here more often but nothing has really been going on and I've been kind of busy as you can see so I'll try to post more regularly again.

So this past week I've been so out of it that I've been stuck in the house most of the week.Missed out on getting an english paper back,missed two math classes and now I can't miss anymore for awhile(that sucks 'cause that class is freakin' annoying),saw new gintama episodes and read the latest chapters of bleach,and naruto(BOOORRRRIIINNNGGGG)and I need to work more on my manga.I went on another music binge and that's all that really happened.By the way,some people in particular should watch their backs otherwise they might end up dead...I am so tired of fake people who only care about their social status more than other people's feelings and it's people like that,that piss me off(just thought I should let people know that...I don't appreciate people who befriend you then toss you aside for more popularity and if I see those people again they can kiss their stupid asses goodbye!)sorry just thought I should say that.

I went on yet another music binge this past week as well as saw the new gintama and read the latest chapters of the bleach(oh my gosh hisagi!!),naruto(it's getting worse),and reborn(wtf?!!).Other than that my week has been rather uneventful except for some minor things that kind of pissed me off,and I was freaking out over my paper but I feel slightly more confident after realizing that my writing skills aren't so bad afterall.I made a bit more progress on the 9th chapter of Blue S,and I think I'm going to focus on that because a)I want to finish it soon and b)I think once I don't have it looming over my head anymore I'll be able to work on something new(I have several ideas in my head already).I would go into more detail about the thing that pissed me off but let's just say that people need to find their own rides to things!the only reason I'm being asked if I'm going to this event is because the person is selfish and just wants to bum a ride off me.I can't even say anything for sure right now because it's too far off to say anything definite and I don't really feel like being stuck in the car with this person and my parents,and I don't want to sign my dad up for all that extra driving(unless I can get my license by then which I severely doubt).Even though it would be nice to go with someone,and would be ultimately safer to do that I'll have to think about it because at this point I'm not too sure.Anyway I'll see you people later(or whoever reads this).
*edit*I ALREADY GOT THE NEW SINGLE BY DIR EN GREY..VERY GOOD STUFF!